How is this better?

This was initially supposed to be something flowery and beautiful just to work through my thoughts. It was a sad attempt to make something worthwhile out of this spiral. I thought if I could at least create something out of hellscape of my mind tonight I might find some beauty in the darkness. But somehow I just ended up with a brutally honest journal entry. This is something incredibly raw and vulnerable, which is not at all what I was going for.

I've never been the best at writing. I've always liked the idea of it, how poetic it sounds to bleed onto paper. To get all your emotions out in such a beautiful way. However, every time I try it feels like there's a blackhole in my chest sucking everything in until all I'm left with a pit where my heart should be and an empty page.
For a long time I felt nothing, which logically was not the smartest thing I've done to survive, but lately I miss the days when I just felt numb. It's so overwhelming to feel everything again. I've always said that feeling things so deeply is a curse. What do you mean other people don't love so deeply they would combust and burn for the people they love? What do you mean other people don't feel like they give away pieces of their soul with every "I love you?" I feel like I've spread my heart and soul across the Universe, mapping out how deep my love is, but also how brightly my pain shines in the dark. How do you stop carving out your heart and handing it people?
As of late, the temptation to lock everything back up is harder and harder to reject. I often wonder why I chose to heal and feel this all again. Why did I choose to be overcome with emotions in the middle of the night, gasping for air that isn't there? Was it not better to be able to disassociate when it all became too much? Is feeling like I'm being drug under, choking on emotions, drowning on insecurities, better than feeling nothing? How is being buried alive by the depths of your own thoughts and feelings better? I ask myself that so many times a day lately. Unfortunately, it seems I'm being drug under by so much. It's been awhile since the depression has taken over this severely.. I'm not sure which way is up at this point. It's like walking through the forest in the pouring down rain. Every time I set eyes on the path a gust of wind knocks me off my feet and a torrential downpour blinds me, and suddenly I don't know where I am. Everything looks the same, the sun is setting and I'm so lost. It would be so much easier to just sit down. It would be so much easier to accept this fate. To give in. How do you keep moving when all you want to do is go to sleep? How do you move forward when the thoughts are screaming and refuse to be silenced? Why do I have to keep fighting? Why is never my turn for a break? Some days I wonder what monumental crimes I must have committed in a past life. Days like today the idea of having to pay some grand penance in this life makes more sense than this just randomly being the hand I was dealt. At least then there would be a purpose to the pain. At least all of this wouldn't seem so cruel. Finding the will to keep going every single day is a weight I don't know how to carry anymore. And quite honestly, I'm sick of having to. I'm so tired of getting a little better just to be knocked back on my ass. I'm tired of doing everything I'm supposed to do and still finding myself in a flare. I'm tired of being positive and putting so much effort in being happy, only to be overcome with the darkness in my mind when I let my mind wander. I'm just so tired..