Broken, beautiful, and mine. The journey back to myself.

Just some random thoughts I had after I did a tarot reading last night.. My cards have been very adamant that I learn to let go, and as a chronically ill person that just seemed.. cruel? Haven't I given up enough? Sacrificed enough? But maybe just maybe I was looking at things too emotionally instead of seeing the message that was trying to come through. I tried to express it all in this post, but honestly I'm not sure I've done a good job. Something that I've very recently been forced to come to terms with is learning to let go. It's something I'll probably spend the rest of my life working on and still never quite master. Letting go is definitely not something I've ever been good at in my life. But as of late, I feel like that mentality has really hurt my healing process. Both from a physical standpoint of working through my most recent flare, as well as from the mental and emotional health aspects of my life. I, like many others who deal with chronic illn...

Damocles is probably the Sleep Token song that means the most to me. The first time I heard it I felt seen in a way I never had been before. Initially, I related deeply through my depression, but I came to realise that I related deeply to it from the perspective of chronic illness as well. I don't like to choose favorites amongst Sleep Token songs, but if I had to, this would probably be it. It's the song that sits with me while I sob in the floor on the days that bearing my chronic illness and depression are just too much and the pain spills out into puddles of tears at my feet. It's the song the tethers me to life when I don’t think my next breath is worth it. And it's the song that holds my hand when I finally stand back up, brush the dust off, and wipe the my eyes to face another day. I will never be able to express how much this song truly means to me and how much it continues to save me . For starters, I think Damocles is a beautiful representation of the daily s...

This has been weighing on my mind for a few weeks now. I thought eventually going through this would get easier. I honestly expect it every time someone new comes into my life. I'm aware that that's not fair, or even healthy, but you can only face so much disappointment in life before it becomes your default to expect it out of self preservation. And I really don't hold this against people, at least I try not to. I know my situation is a lot, but I think I'm to a point where I'm not sure that I can continue to take it with grace.  Constantly being abandoned by friends and family when you battle with chronic illness and/or depression can snowball into an avalanche of questions that, quite frankly make life harder and we don't deserve. However, on the flip side I do understand how heavy it can be having those of us with those struggles in your life. The crazy thing is, many of us (if not most) have never and would never ask those people in our lives to help us car...