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Grief

  They like to say that time heals all wounds, but unfortunately I've found that that's just not true. This weekend marks twelve years since I lost one of the best friends I will probably ever have. And I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but this anniversary hurts just as much (possibly more) than the 11 years before now. Over time I've learned to function without her smiles and her laughs, but there is still a very hollow pit in me that would tear the world apart for just five more minutes. I never go through a major life event without wishing I could tell her, get her advice on the lows, or celebrate the highs. I sit full of rage at the thoughts of how different, how much better, these years would have been if she hadn't been taken from me. My lonely nights and quiet moments could have been sprinkled with laughter. My joyful days could have been filled with so much more light. In so many ways she truly was the rainbow of my life. She always knew how to make me laugh...
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How is this better?

This was initially supposed to be something flowery and beautiful just to work through my thoughts. It was a sad attempt to make something worthwhile out of this spiral. I thought if I could at least create something out of hellscape of my mind tonight I might find some beauty in the darkness. But somehow I just ended up with a brutally honest journal entry. This is something incredibly raw and vulnerable, which is not at all what I was going for. I've never been the best at writing. I've always liked the idea of it, how poetic it sounds to bleed onto paper. To get all your emotions out in such a beautiful way. However, every time I try it feels like there's a blackhole in my chest sucking everything in until all I'm left with a pit where my heart should be and an empty page. For a long time I felt nothing, which logically was not the smartest thing I've done to survive, but lately I miss the days when I just felt numb. It's so overwhelming to feel everything ...
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Just be yourself...

Everyone always says, "just be yourself," but what goes unsaid is that they really mean, "just be yourself until.." Just be yourself until somebody is uncomfortable. Until somebody doesn't approve. Until somebody is offended. Or until somebody just doesn't like it. Especially if you're a woman. Don't be too loud. Don't be too opinionated. Don't be too confrontational. Don't be too messy. Don't be too outgoing or ambitious. Don't be too emotional. Don't think. I spent the worst years of my life making myself smaller, breaking in silence, trying to make sure everyone else was comfortable. I spent so many years trying to make sure everyone else was dealing with my trauma, that I never stopped to consider how I was handling it. I conditioned my mind and body to mask so completely that I no longer trust my own answer to, "how are you feeling." I genuinely don't know. I don't register that I'm in pain until my ...
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Morning epiphany

Just some random thoughts I had after I did a tarot reading last night.. My cards have been very adamant that I learn to let go, and as a chronically ill person that just seemed.. cruel? Haven't I given up enough? Sacrificed enough? But maybe just maybe I was looking at things too emotionally instead of seeing the message that was trying to come through. I tried to express it all in this post, but honestly I'm not sure I've done a good job. Something that I've very recently been forced to come to terms with is learning to let go. It's something I'll probably spend the rest of my life working on and still never quite master. Letting go is definitely not something I've ever been good at in my life. But as of late, I feel like that mentality has really hurt my healing process. Both from a physical standpoint of working through my most recent flare, as well as from the mental and emotional health aspects of my life. I, like many others who deal with chronic illn...
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Damocles and how sometimes we wish the sword would just fall..

Damocles is probably the Sleep Token song that means the most to me. The first time I heard it I felt seen in a way I never had been before. Initially, I related deeply through my depression, but I came to realise that I related deeply to it from the perspective of chronic illness as well. I don't like to choose favorites amongst Sleep Token songs, but if I had to, this would probably be it. It's the song that sits with me while I sob in the floor on the days that bearing my chronic illness and depression are just too much and the pain spills out into puddles of tears at my feet. It's the song the tethers me to life when I don’t think my next breath is worth it. And it's the song that holds my hand when I finally stand back up, brush the dust off, and wipe the my eyes to face another day. I will never be able to express how much this song truly means to me and how much it continues to save me . For starters, I think Damocles is a beautiful representation of the daily s...
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You Are Enough

This has been weighing on my mind for a few weeks now. I thought eventually going through this would get easier. I honestly expect it every time someone new comes into my life. I'm aware that that's not fair, or even healthy, but you can only face so much disappointment in life before it becomes your default to expect it out of self preservation. And I really don't hold this against people, at least I try not to. I know my situation is a lot, but I think I'm to a point where I'm not sure that I can continue to take it with grace.  Constantly being abandoned by friends and family when you battle with chronic illness and/or depression can snowball into an avalanche of questions that, quite frankly make life harder and we don't deserve. However, on the flip side I do understand how heavy it can be having those of us with those struggles in your life. The crazy thing is, many of us (if not most) have never and would never ask those people in our lives to help us car...
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How to begin...

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