You Are Enough

This has been weighing on my mind for a few weeks now. I thought eventually going through this would get easier. I honestly expect it every time someone new comes into my life. I'm aware that that's not fair, or even healthy, but you can only face so much disappointment in life before it becomes your default to expect it out of self preservation. And I really don't hold this against people, at least I try not to. I know my situation is a lot, but I think I'm to a point where I'm not sure that I can continue to take it with grace. 

Constantly being abandoned by friends and family when you battle with chronic illness and/or depression can snowball into an avalanche of questions that, quite frankly make life harder and we don't deserve. However, on the flip side I do understand how heavy it can be having those of us with those struggles in your life. The crazy thing is, many of us (if not most) have never and would never ask those people in our lives to help us carry the burden. In fact, if any of you are like me, you adamantly fight to keep people from sharing the burden because you're afraid that if they realize just how heavy it is, they'll leave. And like I said, I understand that it's not easy. We require more effort and attention than healthier people. Things can go from just ok, to catastrophe much quicker for us. And that is a lot to deal with, but, unfortunately after living through this cycle so many times, with not only friends but also my own family, I'm tired. I'm tired of finding the reasons why it's ok they didn't handle it well. I'm tired of toning down and sugarcoating my symptoms and how I feel day to day to make others more comfortable. I'm tired of feeling like I'm the one in the wrong, when in actually I'm the one suffering. And most importantly, I'm tired of wondering why I'm not enough for them to TRY to understand. To TRY to see how I live and what I experience from day to day. 

After I got sick there was a mass exodus. I went from having a rather large friend group, that I saw at least parts of in some capacity almost everyday as well as a fiancé, to one friend (who's importance in my life I'm not diminishing in any way, I would be lost without her) and family who have slowly distanced themselves to the point of no contact. I don't say any of this for sympathy, but rather perspective. I've been blessed with the best online friends I could ever imagine, however, going through all of that left it's mark. And has triggered the continuous late night thoughts of "why?" And "why wasn't I enough?" It really does something to your mind when your own family refuses to be in the room with you while you recover from surgery. Refuses to visit and spend time with you because THEY can't handle it. To go from always having them in your life to only seeing them on Thanksgiving and Christmas.. and then not at all. For a very long time I assumed that it was because something was wrong with me. It's one thing for friends to leave, but your own blood choosing to not participate in your life is something else entirely. And if you've experienced something similar, and I truly hope you haven't, then you are not alone. 

A major part of my healing journey has been working through this and coming to terms with the fact that I am enough. My chronic illness didn't diminish my worth. My depression didn't diminish my worth. Setting boundaries for my health didn't diminish my worth. Needing more than the bare minimum didn't diminish my worth. I get trapped into a mindset of assuming I'm not worth the effort just because some people choose not to put forth any. I gauge my worth based on the opinions of people who have never had to experience the things I have. People who, despite how nice they may be, will never understand what it's like to spend your evenings so sick you pray for death, yet get up the next day, fake a smile and carry on because these are the cards you've been dealt. And there's great strength in that. To continue on, when everything inside you is screaming to quit. 

I've said all of this, to say, YOU ARE ENOUGH. We may not be for everyone, and that's ok. We can be for each other. We can love and support each other. We can make each other feel seen and understood. We can be each other's light on those nights when we see no hope. Never let someone else's inability to grasp the horrors you face everyday to determine your worth. Never let it convince you that you aren't hurting. And absolutely never let it stop you from continuing on.