Morning epiphany

Just some random thoughts I had after I did a tarot reading last night.. My cards have been very adamant that I learn to let go, and as a chronically ill person that just seemed.. cruel? Haven't I given up enough? Sacrificed enough? But maybe just maybe I was looking at things too emotionally instead of seeing the message that was trying to come through. I tried to express it all in this post, but honestly I'm not sure I've done a good job.

Something that I've very recently been forced to come to terms with is learning to let go. It's something I'll probably spend the rest of my life working on and still never quite master. Letting go is definitely not something I've ever been good at in my life. But as of late, I feel like that mentality has really hurt my healing process. Both from a physical standpoint of working through my most recent flare, as well as from the mental and emotional health aspects of my life. I, like many others who deal with chronic illness, get caught up in the vicious cycle of comparing myself to my able bodied peers and where they are in life. Often getting lost in the mindset of "I must not be doing enough, or trying hard enough, because my life doesn't look like theirs." That single mindset has done so much damage to my state of mind and the way I value myself. I've spent a lot of the past two years working through rigid lifestyle adjustments from diet and exercise, to trying to keep a strict sleeping schedule, to trying to force myself back into getting a job before my body was ready, and even trying to force myself back into church. Two years of my life making myself feel more and more defeated because I was shoving myself into a box that I don't just not fit in, but my body was not physically created to fit it. And honestly, if my tarot cards hadn't started screaming at me, I might still be trying to cut away pieces of myself to fit. 

Our society just isn't designed for those of us who are disabled in some fashion to fit in and operate. And instead of that being identified and corrected, we're often just made to feel (or flat out told) that we're lazy, making it up, or simply don't want to get better. Being surrounded by this makes it hard to take a step back and realize that we aren't like everybody else, and maybe we were never meant to be. For my entire adult life I've looked at my illnesses as a "burden" or an "inconvenience" and that is true in a lot of ways. I'm not one of those toxic positivity people that just thinks you should look on the bright side more and it'll be fine. Because it won't be. The hand we've been dealt fucking sucks and there's absolutely nothing wrong with acknowledging that and cursing the Universe from time to time about the unfairness of it all. In fact, I recommend it. However, what I realized this morning is that it's ok to feel that way AND also acknowledge that this time away from our fast paced society has given me a chance to step back and get to know myself on a level I don't think I ever would have before. I know I never would have taken the time to slow down and really put in the work. I would have always had something I swore I had to do that was more important. There would have been marriages (I'm confident my illness has saved me from at least one divorce), children, a career, money to be made. I wouldn't have seen the value in doing the inner work. I really wish the Universe had found a better way to teach me this lesson. And again, this is not "just look at the positives." Toxic positivity is just, well, toxic. I'm just finally realizing that the past 13 years can both have been a living hell, but also a learning experience that I can build on moving forward. I can rage and scream that the dreams I had were ripped from me in such brutal way, but also prepare myself for what's in store in my future. Maybe, all of this has just led me back to the wild and free sense of childhood wonder I once had. Maybe by letting go of the box society tries to shove us in is just making way for me to be me. Will I inevitably crash and grieve all that I had as well as the dreams that were taken from me? Oh. I have no doubt. I probably will for the rest of my life on some level. But, maybe, this is a break through to help lessen the blow. Or maybe I'm grasping at straws to find a silver lining. I'm not sure it really matters which is true. What matters is that letting go of these ridiculous standards of life, made by and designed for people who don't understand nor care about my struggles, can be nothing but positive. Slowing down and asking, "what does my body need today?" Instead of, "what should I be doing?" Is something I can't see being anything other than beneficial.

Thanks for reading another one of my long rambles 💜